Voila~!
And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.
- Matthew 11:12
I will take it by force.
i think i gravitate towards hot babes.
like today, when ms ee came up to the council room, for some strange reason, i followed her down to the GO. then when i was down there, about to get soil with ks n kumar (long story), i saw ms ann koh, and followed her up to the third floor.
hahaha!!!
and then when she walked into the council room, i couldn't talk to her properly cuz she looked so friggin hot!!! haha!! nat n guan were making stupid faces and jiayan was crying in laughter!! i think it was the heat! hahaha!! woohoo!!!
i hope she doesn't see this.
ms ee if you're here, i think you're hot!!! hahahaha!!!!! woohoo!!!!
wheee.
red rain is coming!!! woohoo!!!
please don't expect me to know everything that i've done wrong, cuz if i did, i wouldn't have done it in the first place.
so tell me, please. if you say you want to help me.
cuz i really need help.
but i will say it now.
today was unfair.
you don't tell me that yes, i can come for the introduction and then leave me to get told off in the morning.
and then you tell me, its a miscommunication, and i cannot come.
it may seem nothing to you, but it meant a crap lot to me.
why don't you draw my boundaries for me?
cuz i can't seem to comprehend what all of you want.
tell me. tell me where i'm supposed to be at what time, what areas i'm cut off from.
tell me what you want, so i won't spoil everybody's week.
tell me.
make my day.
find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will give up his time just to keep you company,
who does things he hates just for your sake,
who has his you on his mind and heart,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who holds your hand in front of all his friends,
who can take all your nonsense (e.g tantrums)
who accepts you for who you are at what you will become,
who can give up his everything for you,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on,
wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares for you,
and how lucky he is to have you.
wait for the one who can show his love through actions and words,
wait for the one who turns to his friends and says 'that's her..'
if you're still waiting for this guy...
you'll watch time slowly pass you by
your little heart will break to pieces
for you've forsaken the one who gave all these to you; His name's Jesus.
i have no idea where THAT came from.
ok, ignore the lame rhyming couplets.
i'll go for the guy who'll cook the meals.
heh.
its sweet, but somehow, i won't go for that guy.
i believe in love at first sight....
so...
wait for the one.
you'll know who he is.
on to other unromantic things....
its hard for me to stand up.
but i will.
i have huge responsiblities.
i've gotta stop thinking the world revolves around me me and me.
but i really wish this will blow over soon.
sigh.
random thoughts:
1. they've ripped my heart out. just like an alcoholic mother whose child is put in foster care.
2. fight.
3. i'm still trembling and i don't know why.
4. i feel horrible.
there are so many things i can't say here.
ouch.
it hurts.
it hurts like crap.
1. don't stumble people.
2. don't put yourself in a compromising position.
yea. i don't need to say more.
i love ms ee.
wahahahahaha.
she rocks totally.
it hurt to see people in orientation.
hurt like crazy.
what got me going was what happened today.
sigh.
can i say how much ms ee rocks again?
jiayan ms yong mrs chin mr yeow kumar kha.
u guys rock!!
councillors!!
you make my day.
love you guys.
:)
hello.
ms ee, if you're reading this..
I LOVE YOU TO BITS.
with all my heart and (lack of a clear) mind and soul!!
i promise to be good!!
:)
yesterday's entry.
i'm typing this in the council room now.
spoke to some people yesterday.
thank you (you know who you guys are).
for some strange reason, i was once again overcome with fear.
went to the corner of my room and started shaking.
woke up.
still shaking.
refuge, God of wonders...were playing on my comp.
i think i know why.
this has dug out one of my greatest fears.
you have to and will face it, liane.
just like how you looked all the J1s in the eye today.
yes, it's painful to watch everyone take part in something you planned.
everyone but you.
you sit here, in the council room.
you can't help.
can't do anything but give them moral support.
which is what they need.
so do it.
and do it properly.
you don't have time to sit here and shake in your fears. you can't afford to do that anymore. you gotta stand up, look your fears straight in the eye and move on. move.
confidence, liane.
don't let IT get in your way.
jiayan, it IS fair. not to anyone, but to me. don't refuse to see that i'm wrong just cuz i'm your darling. things will work out. i know i'm not there, i know khalisah wasn't there today, but kumar is. look to kumar. i think he rocks. like you said, don't allow your prejudices to get a hold of you. look forward, think straight, act accordingly. you can do it.
councillors, this one's for you.
don't keep things inside anymore. i think we all need to trash things out, properly. the TAs should know. we're not being fair to them. as they are to us, we may say. that's because there's no communication. no understanding. don't let our prejudices and pre-dispositions get in our way of working. give each other a chance. throw it all out. we're doing great, let's keep on moving. there's kumar!! and ms ee and ms yong!! and all the TAs!! and i'm still here, waiting in the council room!! let's stick together and work things out!!
keep the smile.
:)
i'm afraid of cycling.
on the roads, that is.
too many cars.
i was shaking when i was cycling.
not half as bad as what i felt in the pantry today.
have you ever felt fear such that your heart's fluttering around in the pits of your stomach?
so much so that you feel nauseous?
like a wise man said, 'you're scared. you're scared to hell. you're afraid to look inside, afraid of what you'll find.'
i know now.
you tell everyone you dont blame the TAs, but deep down inside, you did. you did a stupid thing, and chose to push it aside as simply another stupid mistake. it makes things a whole lot easier, doesn't it liane? you say, no, you don't blame anyone. yet, you come up with excuses to hide your mistakes. you're so deluded, you can't even see that you're bluffing yourself. because you're scared to face it.you don't want to think about it. you're scared. you look around everywhere, searching for answers. have you looked within yourself?
you have only seen your own difficulties, your own pain, your own confusion. you failed to see others'. you chose not to see it. you chose not to understand. because you didn't want to. how could you be so blind? how could you be so selfish? how could you still act like, yes, you're doing the right thing? how could you? where's liane?
look now.
the picture is so much clearer now. it's a matter of choice, it's a matter of will. the same wise man once said 'it's all in the mind. you can do it. you know that.' yes, that's true. you could go for the test. you just chose not to. and found excuses FOR YOURSELF, to justify, if not explain, your actions. you allowed your prejudices and pre dispositions to delude your thoughts. because you chose to. and your heart blamed them for it. you thought you were driven to it. by them. in reality, you drove yourself to it.
i could have gone for it.
i should.
but my mind decided not to.
because i didn't want to.
things don't work out that way, liane. you don't always get your way. and more importantly, your way isn't always the right way.
arrogance.
cockiness.
defiance.
inability to submit.
you denied all claims to that. oh, what a child! how immature. you built up defenses, almost immediately, instinctively. why didn't you listen to what others had to say? your mouth says, 'i'm listening! i'm learning!' are you? are you really? no, and that's because you're too arrogant and thick headed to accept the truth.
you actually constructed your own version of the truth. your version? well, the TAs drove you to it, pressure piled up on you, family problems plagued you, you actually made a decision to go in the morning but a CATALYST prevented you from doing so. so, never mind, you'll believe in all that. you tell other people that you don't blame anyone, that it's no one's fault but yours, that it was a moment of impulse, that it was simply a stupid mistake. you tell other people you have no line of defence, because you want them and YOURSELF to believe that you don't want others to be implicated.
disgusting.
you're too scared to face the truth.
like you've always been.
now it's time to throw that aside.
all this while, you were providing text book answers to all the questions. you blindly accepted the answers and claims. you hide behind that defensive wall. it's like doing a maths sum, getting it right, but not understanding the real solution to the problem. that's why you failed.
pure anger.
rage.
not at anyone but myself.
for being so blind.
so selfish.
so immature.
so defiant.
so arrogant.
now look closely.
accept the truth. accept, not blindly, but with understanding.
learn, liane. no one is perfect. you aren't. you can't deny that that streak of arrogance and cockiness is there. you can't run away from your fears. you can't allow your insecurities to haunt you again. train your mind. you can do what is right. you will not be weak. you will not allow yourself to think you can't do it anymore. because you CAN.
alright. i see it. it's my utter refusal to face the truth. i accept. painful, but necessary. i know what to do now.
step 1: face the truth.
step 2: accept it with understanding.
step 3: change. prove it through actions.
i just walked out of a blasting session by ms ee with mr yeow, ms ng, mrs chin and mrs seng. i looked at my previous entries and thought of deleting them in case i get into more trouble....but there's no integrity in that.
its not fun to be blasted by ms ee. i'd take ms lai anyday.
it hurts to know you're really mad at me. i'm sorry. like i said, i can't tell you how sorry i am. i've said everything i needed to say.
i can't think properly right now. i'm still shaking. i don't know if what i've said in my previous entries are justified, but those were my thoughts, no use hiding them.
today's decision was bad. i admit it. but i really didn't do it cuz i thought i was being noble or what crap. i just snapped. yes, i thought about it. but i had actually decided to go already, before i received that phone call.
i'm so sorry. i know you're mad, disappointed and upset. i have nothing to say in my defence. i have nothing at all to offer you. only my sincerest apologies.
i can't think clearly.
someone tell me what to do.
you take that form, run for council and get elected. you get expectations thrown at you, flying from all directions. you're supposed to do well in your studies, behave properly and be a dedicated councillor serving the school. if you can't live up to those expectations, you pay the price.
i never understood the rationale behind councillors having to do relatively well in examinations. its not for the school, its not for the council, but really, its for yourself. its for your sorry behind. just look at how much councillors have to do. we were supposed to stand down during the march holidays for our revisions. TAs emphasised that. ironically, i was still being chased for the orientation schedule during that week. before that, we were skipping lessons like nobody's business so we could finish up proposals and make sure everything's ready for the ogl camp. for orientation. i heard someone say, do you seriously think we can finish everything without skipping lessons? actually, yes, that's what we're expected to do.
some of us can't do it. in fact, i don't think anyone really can at this moment. we are unable to juggle both and thus put in more effort in council. you see, if we screw up our exams, we only have ourselves to face. if we screw up orientation, we have 900+ students to face. the choice is obvious.
some of us can't do it. its been proven. and we paid the price.
i'm not trying to sound like a matyr here. i hope i don't.
simply trying to state the harsh reality.
we can't sit here and feel sorry for ourselves. we made the choice, we pay the price. simple.
its also the price the school has to pay for choosing to keep the council small.
i sit here and think of the consequences of not appearing for block tests.
they'll screw me, i know.
some may be hypocritical.
others may make perfect sense.
i deserve to get scolded.
but at the same time, i don't.
either way, i'm just gonna look you in the eye
and listen.
to go for my block tests and scribble heart of worship lyrics,
or to forget going and stay home.
not going for my exams is a bold method of running away.
like committing suicide.
it takes guts to commit suicide,
yet its still an escape.
"Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from eveil, that i may not cause pain!"
i have no idea why i'm so scared.
but i am.
its a pride thing i figure.
i mean..
the moment i found out there was no context based question for lit, i knew i was going to fail.
and who fails lit!?
i have long given up on econs
and history can't be crammed in a few days.
i believe that if something is worth doing, its worth doing well.
if not, don't do it at all.
excuses liane.
all excuses.
to help you feel better about running away from reality.
Lord,
help me. if i go in, i go in with nothing but You by my side. should i take this step of faith? but even so, it takes effort on my part, if not, how can i expect You to help? i'm hanging on the edge. what am i supposed to do now? go in with You, without trying, or not going in at all?
sometimes, the people you'd expect to be there for you aren't there at all.
and you wonder why.
i miss talking to you. after what happened last time, i don't know if its history repeating itself sometimes. but i need to talk to you. it doesn't matter if you're there to tell me off or what, really. i've been yelling, you've not been replying. yet, you're one of the only ones who'd know what's happening, why i'm feeling that way and what i'd need. please yell back.
don't know if you're reading this, but i hope ya know who ya are.
do i sound like i'm whining?
doesn't this show how immensely insecure i still am.
i'm scared.
i'm so freaking scared.
somebody slap me.
ultimate trust.
faith.
new blogskin.
'I have nothing else, no one else to turn to now.'
Thank You, Lord.
no time..
Lord,
hear my prayer. hear my cry. for i have sinned and am unworthy of Your blessings. but i'm scared, afraid and insecure. please help me.
passion party.
sy rogers.
chalet.
they're all for You.
Do not judge.
i will remember that verse.
'you who have not sinned, cast the first stone.'
haha. i doubt anyone has any idea how much i screwed up during ogl camp.
its alright. i'm over it. look at mistakes, repair em and don't look back.
topic of the day: expectations
i'm sick and tired of this word. the TAs threw this to us, saying, 'how can you expect your ogls to behave in this certain way when you yourself can't do it?'
kha said 'shang liang bu zheng, xia liang wai.'
translation: if the top is crooked, the bottom will be too.
my very bitchy reply, 'it goes up so many levels.'
i wonder how many caught it.
unfortunately, that does not give us the excuse to behave like fools, just cuz our superiors do.
i've been an anal bitch this entire orientation.
so pissed with the TAs the entire orientation too.
yeah, i'm sure they were pissed with us.
you tell me you're new, you don't know stuff, like we do?
all the hypocrisy.
actually, it doesn't matter already.
i'm looking at all these, knowing that talking about it like this isn't gonna make me feel betta, so i'll stop.
sorry that i messed up so much.
to those who are worried about me....you shld know i only take a day. ;)
i wanna step down with style, with my style. i will leave knowing that no one got the better of me. if i'm gonna do something, i'm gonna do it to the best of my abilities and i'm gonna be happy about it. i ain't gonna sit around and mope.
ciao.
but what the heck.
i have pictures of the hottest teachers in mjc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love jiayan i love jiayan i love jiayan i love jiayan i love jiayan i love jiayan!!!!!
oh man when i saw her email amidst all the other orientation mails....i nearly hyperventilated.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whee hee.
*screams!*
i'm sucha lucky girl.
*whispers*
they look absolutely gorgeous.....
_______________________________________________________
yes yes, i know i haven't been blogging since goodness knows when...heh. been real busy with council n church.
i love church.
i love council too.
its been a real killer trying to juggle so many things at one shot...but God is a good God and He blesses us abundantly! He gave me the most wonderful people..all my darlings, u know who u are!
ms yong!!! i miss you like mad okay. sigh. things aren't the same without u, u know. we gotta spend some time together soon!!!!!!!!
anyways. my floor is dangerous. now everytime i see it i feel like sleeping. sigh.
need to pack bag.
boring entry i know.
ciao.
benedict
becky
charlotte
cheryl
chewiee
christine
dee
dexter
dom lao da!
esmonde!
elite
fabian
fei
fee fee leader!
gabriel BESTIE!
isabel best fren
jamie
joyce bimbo
joel
kumar big thing
kurseth cow
lynette
lydia
marli
mariam
mong
naturkey
ongah
pam
porky
pig pig
ruo en
ruffles
sarah
shuyi
weiying
wei tze
wendy
winson
ying mei!
yolanda
zhi xiang
Heart of God Church
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