YOU have turned my life UPSIDE DOWN and INSIDE OUT. :)

Voila~!

And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.
- Matthew 11:12

I will take it by force.

i went cycling today.

i'm afraid of cycling.
on the roads, that is.
too many cars.

i was shaking when i was cycling.

not half as bad as what i felt in the pantry today.
have you ever felt fear such that your heart's fluttering around in the pits of your stomach?
so much so that you feel nauseous?

like a wise man said, 'you're scared. you're scared to hell. you're afraid to look inside, afraid of what you'll find.'

i know now.
you tell everyone you dont blame the TAs, but deep down inside, you did. you did a stupid thing, and chose to push it aside as simply another stupid mistake. it makes things a whole lot easier, doesn't it liane? you say, no, you don't blame anyone. yet, you come up with excuses to hide your mistakes. you're so deluded, you can't even see that you're bluffing yourself. because you're scared to face it.you don't want to think about it. you're scared. you look around everywhere, searching for answers. have you looked within yourself?

you have only seen your own difficulties, your own pain, your own confusion. you failed to see others'. you chose not to see it. you chose not to understand. because you didn't want to. how could you be so blind? how could you be so selfish? how could you still act like, yes, you're doing the right thing? how could you? where's liane?

look now.

the picture is so much clearer now. it's a matter of choice, it's a matter of will. the same wise man once said 'it's all in the mind. you can do it. you know that.' yes, that's true. you could go for the test. you just chose not to. and found excuses FOR YOURSELF, to justify, if not explain, your actions. you allowed your prejudices and pre dispositions to delude your thoughts. because you chose to. and your heart blamed them for it. you thought you were driven to it. by them. in reality, you drove yourself to it.

i could have gone for it.
i should.
but my mind decided not to.
because i didn't want to.

things don't work out that way, liane. you don't always get your way. and more importantly, your way isn't always the right way.

arrogance.
cockiness.
defiance.
inability to submit.

you denied all claims to that. oh, what a child! how immature. you built up defenses, almost immediately, instinctively. why didn't you listen to what others had to say? your mouth says, 'i'm listening! i'm learning!' are you? are you really? no, and that's because you're too arrogant and thick headed to accept the truth.

you actually constructed your own version of the truth. your version? well, the TAs drove you to it, pressure piled up on you, family problems plagued you, you actually made a decision to go in the morning but a CATALYST prevented you from doing so. so, never mind, you'll believe in all that. you tell other people that you don't blame anyone, that it's no one's fault but yours, that it was a moment of impulse, that it was simply a stupid mistake. you tell other people you have no line of defence, because you want them and YOURSELF to believe that you don't want others to be implicated.

disgusting.

you're too scared to face the truth.
like you've always been.
now it's time to throw that aside.

all this while, you were providing text book answers to all the questions. you blindly accepted the answers and claims. you hide behind that defensive wall. it's like doing a maths sum, getting it right, but not understanding the real solution to the problem. that's why you failed.

pure anger.
rage.
not at anyone but myself.
for being so blind.
so selfish.
so immature.
so defiant.
so arrogant.

now look closely.

accept the truth. accept, not blindly, but with understanding.

learn, liane. no one is perfect. you aren't. you can't deny that that streak of arrogance and cockiness is there. you can't run away from your fears. you can't allow your insecurities to haunt you again. train your mind. you can do what is right. you will not be weak. you will not allow yourself to think you can't do it anymore. because you CAN.

alright. i see it. it's my utter refusal to face the truth. i accept. painful, but necessary. i know what to do now.

step 1: face the truth.
step 2: accept it with understanding.
step 3: change. prove it through actions.

Show me Your ways, O Lord,

Teach me Your paths.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me,

For You are the God of my salvation;

On You i wait all the day.

Psalm 25:4-5

Lord, help me, give me the light;

show me the way out of my plight.

Yes Lord, i admit, i'm scared. i know i've done wrong. forgive me of my transgressions and teach my heart to obey Your will. i know my heart is not set right, help me with that. help me with my lack of faith. and show me how i can make amends and repent. let me not look back in fear, nor dismiss Your will, but let me look back, learn and grow.

loved by Jesus!

Designer: x
Image: x
Brushes: x o
Pattern: x