Voila~!
And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.
- Matthew 11:12
I will take it by force.
In any case,
I was reading an article about blogging in Life! today, not much of a surprise since the world has been taken by storm by this apparently new phenomena. Mass emailing, online diary, propaganda, call it what you like, but seriously, I don't understand the need to constantly debate about it (paradox fully intended). The challenge about blogging is about putting your ideas/opinions/thoughts across to the relevant parties without revealing much to others you don't give two hoots about.
And that's exactly what I'm going to attempt today.
There are a couple of thoughts that have been weighing on my mind today (reason for that headache perhaps?). Lessons continued as per normal (discounting the happy free period we received this afternoon with images of Supermadam hanging on our consciences, or the lack thereof), but it just struck me how much it has evolved from last year. Last year, I had a lot more friends. Now, don't for a moment collect the wrong impression; this is not some sob story about how lonely I've been feeling or how sad my life has been. On the contrary, it's been more fulfilling than I've ever remembered it being. It's just sad to know that some of these friendships have been lost because of misunderstandings, miscommunications and my inability to manage time. And now, it's almost impossible to get these back because of the dragon called pride. Ah yes, pride indeed will come before a fall...I wonder how deep this fall will be. Sorry if I come across cold and dismissive, and pardon me while I try (very hard) to shoo Mr Dragon Pride out with my last dusty broomstick.
While contemplating this, I was reading one of my favourite blogs (favourite because it gives me such happy vibes), and once again, this belongs to one of my old friends. There were times when my name used to pop up every few sentences, and days where we would be so excited to see each other that we would jump over benches screaming as though we've been separated for 10 years. Friends are spacial, as my pastor once said, and I think perhaps, I don't have the privilege of filling up that space anymore. Before time builds a bridgeless ravine between us (pardon the lame poetics), allow me to attempt to salvage this. Mr Dragon Pride ain't getting no where near this one if that's the last thing I do. Darling, still love ya loads. I believe this friendship has substance, and sincerely want it to last.
An incident occured just yesterday (or was it the day before?) which put me in an interesting moral dilemma. Torn between my spiritual beliefs, concern for a friend and selfishness on my own part. Good thing is, I can still separate and discern the three, bad thing is, I know exactly what's happening and I don't like it one bit. I almost wanted to set my msn nick as 'let us ride the ferris wheel one last time', before I realised that we've never sat on a ferris wheel(someone kill Ms Romantic). As much as the friend in me is struggling to get out and say 'Great! I'm really happy for you!', my spiritual beliefs is suppressing it rather successfully. I still stand by what I said a few months back (if you would care to recall) and perhaps the sentimental (i.e. selfish) me had hoped for a turn of events. One day, all of me would be binded as one, with the spiritual taking dominion of course. Yes, I'm fervently working towards that blessed day. I know when you read this a few weeks' (if God blesses me with a miracle) or months' (if I'm lucky) time, you'd call and demand to know exactly why I'm feeling or thinking this way. Dear, I won't be able to remember by then (I'll will it if I must) so you'll just have to gather what you can from this short paragraph I'm dedicating to you. You'll always be my best friend.
Actually, come to think of it, I am rather sad. It's a distant, faraway sort of sadness though. Sadness felt by the Liane I've long since left behind.
Just to inject a little sadistic humour in this entry, I realised that I have 6 econs essays, 5 history sbqs, 3 history essays, 1 GP compre and that's discounting those I have no idea (as of now) that I have to complete. Cue sadistic laughter.
Its great to know I'll always have You to hug, You to fall asleep with at night, You as my Lord and Saviour and of course, You to ride my imaginary ferris wheels. Its been great serving You, and not to mention, an honour. Thank You for bestowing me with this honour, my Lord. Let me never to stop loving You.
Yes yes, I do realise that I have not been blogging in a long time. Realised that when a certain individual questioned why I sounded so angsty on my last entry and I was like 'Whaa...?' Been busy with school, homework..the works.
You are the word, I am the smith.
Translation: Tutors say, 'Tutorial due!', I reply 'Yes Ma'am!'.
Sad state of being, this is. It is to my greatest delight that I returned to school on Friday (missed two days of school due to muscle and nerve tensions, but more of that later) discovering that I missed the laister's yearly (or semesterly?) Doomsday delivery. Not only would that have been highly ineffective on me, it would have probably succeeded in her treading on my last nerve (think painful nerve tensions).
I do want to do well. And (much to anyone's surprise), I am working hard for it. Think making my 20 hours actually count. Tonnes of econs essays. Oh boy. I really hope I see results this time. O levels was a bad bad experience..a repeat is definitely not desired.
School life summed up in two paragraphs.
I was reading one of Max Lucado's books, A Love Worth Giving. Wow, talk about inspirational. Yes, this dry bone is definitely in need of a guide ('A Dummy's Guide to Loving Others' sounds good). Lucado said that we can't make a withdrawal without having a deposit first; simlarly, we are not expected to give love if we cannot remember how Christ has deposited love into our lives.
I am in constant wonder of His love for us. Rejected, spat on, mocked, accused and killed, and yet, He still loved us. Amazing love. Amazing Son. Loving Father. How often have we dismissed our Sundays? He gave us His Son, and we can't even give Him our Sunday afternoons? I spent a whole week without truly worshipping Him; I felt dry and tired. I was like Martha, and conveniently forgot to be Mary and Lazarus. A few days ago, I started worhipping again. Instead of being rejected, He caused my tears to flow once more. Amazing love.
I often dismiss Corinthians 13 as cliche and superficial, only for those who seek assurance from the bible about their love for their boyfriends/girlfriends. But today, Lucado wanted me to relook the passage.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
Replace the words 'love' with 'Christ'. Think about it.
Christ won't keep a record of wrongs, of how many times we've overslept on a Sunday service or neglected it to go out with friends. Christ does not purposely recall that time we refused Him entry by denying His name, nor blame us for not believing. How about that time we cursed at Him and blamed Him for things going wrong? Paid for in full.
I rejoice in the love of Christ.
Now its time for me to show more, much much more, of it to the world.
Teach me Lord, for I am ignorant and frail.
its been a horrible week..last week i mean. glad everything's settled, resolved and over.
took a day off today. plans were cancelled.
i love spending the day with myself. alone at home. its great being able to sit around and ponder where your life's headed. i relish the beauty of solitude, when the house is empty except for Him and myself. its this quiet knowing..this peace. i can't have it all the time you know..with brothers yelling about world issues such as the culprit behind the missing $1.10.
i found a pink elephant on my bed. i strongly suspect my dad bought it for me from the petrol kiosk.
you know what kind of life i really want?
i wanna be independent, living for myself. rich is a great option. and i wanna spend days just sitting with my God, reading, listening to music, cooking and writing. husband and kids......husband maybe. kids? grr. i won't want them to turn out like me.
okay, i have no idea what's the point of this entry as of now. lets try and write something interesting at the expense of someone else.
i was late for school the other day (i'm always late on mondays and tuesdays), so i exaggerrated my morning toilet escapades .
- pause -
i got to the root of the mystery of the pink elephant. lerren found it on some questionable bench. *shakes head*
anyway, back to the real issue.
mr tng was trying to be strict i think, or intimidating. whichever. like, i've been through ms ee and ms lai....what could be worse. here's how the conversation went:
mr tng: why were you late?
me: diarrheoa
mr tng: you're a student councillor right?
me: er yeah.
mr tng: you should be more responsible. if you know your stomach is weak, then don't eat curry!
right. seriously, i wonder why these people want to purposely make a fool outta themselves and be the butt of all jokes. there is no reason why people should be late. yes, i'm late queen, but hey, you're asking for it when you know you ask stupid questions. i'm just joining the rest of the world making fun of our admin.
hey mrs crossley, if you're reading my blog, hi!! *waves* i think you're really nice, but i hate your boss. and when that bomb sets off tomorrow, i hope you'll forgive me because we usually pray that we don't harm any innocent.
since we're on to this topic and since i'm no longer a councillor..
i hate mjc.
i'm stopping here. sounding too angsty. i'm quite happy today actually. haha.
boo.
i'm allowed to talk about myself right?
journey to self-discovery.
i realised that i have a range of emotions (no.....). temper will rise up to a certain point, lets say a 100 degrees, beyond that, its steam. i'm in a state of total calm. i figured, up to 100 degrees, i can't control my emotions, but my mind is in control. beyond that, my emotions are in control, but my mind isn't. i wanted to lash out, to hit, to yell and to scream and to cry and to wail.
so that's exactly how i felt today. i didn't want to talk about what happened to anyone. i didn't want to talk. i didn't want to do anything. looked at the lessons i had today, left school at 1230, went home to sleep. didn't want to think. slept and hoped it was a bad dream.
don't ask me what's wrong, please. i don't want to talk about it.
i won't be treated this way. i have my pride, and its not meant for anyone to toss around like spare cash.
on a lighter note, i've never heard her apologise. she's never wrong.
was it?
sigh.
unconditional.
anyways.
i did really well considering i put in zero effort in studying. i finally got an A2 for GP. did really well for my essay. as for history..haha you wouldn't believe it man. because i ponned the last few periods, i wasn't present when i was being skanked. pang was saying that i'm a classic example of spotting questions...haha. and then he was saying that i did pretty well for my source based, considering that my head is always on the table. then he credited it to his voice, saying that it must have been strong enough to penetrate the tables. (-_-") well yeah, considering that i got 13 for sbq and 14 for 1848...praise God man. mercy indeed.
i'm praying..praying for 3 miracles.
i don't believe i'm wrong.
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the brink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
indeed.
my ear hurts like hell (considering i hate going to the docs n i hate taking medicine, i went to the darn doc's immediately and was happy putting on the medicine).
if i wasnt in sucha horrible mood i'd blog about the doctor who told me nothing bigger than my elbow should go into my ear.
i'm really really really tired.
sigh.
benedict
becky
charlotte
cheryl
chewiee
christine
dee
dexter
dom lao da!
esmonde!
elite
fabian
fei
fee fee leader!
gabriel BESTIE!
isabel best fren
jamie
joyce bimbo
joel
kumar big thing
kurseth cow
lynette
lydia
marli
mariam
mong
naturkey
ongah
pam
porky
pig pig
ruo en
ruffles
sarah
shuyi
weiying
wei tze
wendy
winson
ying mei!
yolanda
zhi xiang
Heart of God Church
City Harvest Church
Pastor Ulf Ekman
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